As many of you already know, Black Friday arrived with the first Star Wars: The Force Awakens teaser trailer. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out below and fix that problem. If you’d rather see it in theaters, it’ll be playing in front of every showtime at these theaters until Sunday. It also looks like the trailer will continue running into December, perhaps attached to final Hobbit movie…

The footage does its job. It’s made to excite fans and let the general public know that Star Wars is back in town. I’m excited. I’m very excited. I’ve loved Star Wars for as long as I can remember. As a matter of fact, Revenge of the Sith was one of the first midnight movies I ever saw. It’s safe to say that The Force Awakens is already one of the most anticipated movies of 2015. There’s no doubt that it’ll break tons of box office records, and will receive great acclaim no matter how it turns out. But as I’ve grown up, I’ve learned a lot about over-hyped movies.

I’m super excited for it, but I also know that it’s still a movie, no matter how much history is behind it. Movies can have flaws, and Star Wars is unfortunately no exception. In order to promote a sense of level-headedness among all the excitement, I’ve decided to over-analyze every bit of this trailer as if I were an old grouchy critic. All in good humor of course! Get ready for nitpicking! It’s a stretch.

My Illogically Cynical Reaction

-Huh. No logos. I guess they didn’t want to remind us that Mickey Mouse is Darth Vader’s new landlord.

-Andy Serkis sounds a lot like Benedict Cumberbatch here. Did he and Mr. Abrams forget which “Star” movie they were in?

-We’ve literally seen 11 seconds of this movie and it’s already relying on jump scares to build tension.

-It took me a little while, but I managed to find and preorder all the toys that this soccer-ball droid will eventually inspire.

-The new Stormtroopers look they’re crying. “Pleeeeease don’t make us jump out of this cargo ship! It’s dark out there, and Private Wilhelm has awful peripheral vision!”

-In this shot, we see Daisy Ridley’s character riding a technologically advanced briefcase at top speeds. She must be playing an unpunctual mechanic who’s hired to inspect the doors of the Millennium Falcon.

-X-wings? If this movie turns out to be 40% flashbacks, we’re going to have a problem.

-The hilt-beam on that lightsaber looks cool and all, but it serves no purpose whatsoever. It might even be considered dangerous to its user. The prop department must have just finished binge-watching Game of Thrones and thought, “we need weapons like that.”

-This is the first time in 31 years we’ve seen new footage of the Millennium Falcon, and all it does is fly around. I guess the cinematographer took classes at the “Man of Steel School of Reimagining Classic Flying Things to Make Them Look New and Edgy.”

Told you it was a stretch. What did you think of the trailer?